Wednesday, June 25, 2008

How Bored Am I? Bored Enough To Write This

While sitting at my desk pondering the best way to prove Einstein by forcefully speeding up time three hours to quitting time, I suddenly had remembered a web blurb about the hysterical customer reviews on concerning the Bic ballpoint pen. For those who need a quick refresher, Amazon created the site to act as a virtual mall, and a massive one at that. Nearly any commercial product that has ever been produced can be purchased with just a few clicks of a mouse from this online warehouse. The browsing experience can be quite rewarding as well because not only can a stock photo of the item be viewed, but each item has its own outline of specifications, descriptions, user photos, technical details, promotions and referrals. The product site can also be somewhat interactive: registered users can offer product reviews as well as provide photos of the product themselves. Since all the products listed follow a similar web template, each product gets the same treatment.

Even the ubiquitous ballpoint pen.

But let's be real. Who wants to make or read a freaking review of a ballpoint pen? It's a pen! And therein lays the joke, because people will make reviews, if just for the sake of making a mockery out of the whole system.

Yeah, good times =)

All the reviews were creative and unique in their own right, though some were more creative and unique than others. They ranged from the My-god-I-think-this-review-was-actually-serious...

All right by me !!!

It seems as if I've always used these very good black ink pens by Bic; I remember writing many a paper for college using pens like these before computers came along. Bic calls these pens "medium point" but the ink is quite clear on the page. The black ink lasts for months--unless you write a lot with these every day in which case they will last a shorter amount of time.

The pens are compact and easy to carry with you; this makes them easy to carry because they are so lightweight. The pens are made of plastic with a see through ink tube inside them. The advantage of the see through ink tube is that you can tell when the pen is running low on ink--a great feature!

As nerdy as it sounds, gentlemen can easily carry one or two in their shirt pockets. I would keep the cap on, of course.

Actually, I would keep the cap on at all times when not using this pen. The ink still inside the pen can dry out rather quickly without the cap being on them. Moreover, you don't want ink to leak out of the pen and make nasty ink stains.

Overall, if you want an inexpensive pen that still gives you high quality writing ink, you can't go wrong with these pens by Bic. I have used them for decades with great satisfaction.

I highly recommend these pens for anyone wanting an inexpensive but good quality black ink pen.

~ Matthew G. Sherwin the I-think-this-girl-was-totally-up-in-smoke-when-she-wrote-this.

Carried me across the universe and back

When I decided to run away from home and catch a ride on a falling star, I never knew how handy my BIC Pen would come in. I landed somewhere near the Puonfain Distric in the Saund Galaxy, and without the proper currency I had to get a job.

I filled out the application with my pen, worked for several months until I met a local delivery man. He gave me a ride on his star cruiser to another planet, which I happily explored.

I spent the next 5 years traveling across the universe, hitchhiking, bumming rides off Gorlocks and Pinds, and writing about my adventures with my handy BIC pen.

I also used my pen on occasion to defend myself against attackers, pry open circuit breakers and other obstacles, fix a few things, and amaze a Loiukian who had never seen a pen before.

Then, I fell in love. A kind Murgol with sandy blonde hair stole my heart, and I used my pen to write him a long love letter. He worked hard to save enough money for us to get married, and we both used the pen to write our nuptials and sign our names on the Gorgin Wedding Certificate.

After my 6 year journey, I am pleased to say I am back home on Earth with my Husband, and am expecting my first child. I've published my book, Memoirs of a Celestial BIC Pen, and it's a big seller.

Thanks to this pen, I was able to write my book, several job applications, a few minor notes, some misc. writings, and best of all, it never ran out of ink. Thanks BIC, and my Husband says, in his language, "Bo' Du "Hava Locing." (Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish)

~ E. Jackson

And from the eloquent...


Sunlight dancing off crystal angles.
Protective cap glistens, silky, substantial.

Black ink flows to paper
As Medium Point ball glides effortlessly.

Remaining box of eleven rest, haunted,
Awaiting their destiny.

~Jeffrey D. Bowman the crass.

3 to 5 and still alive!

I've been in and out of prison most of my life and I specialize the in fine art of prison tattooing. Now, I've tried many types of pens, Pilots, Sanfords, Paper Mates, and others. But for the sheer consistency of color, permeability, and aesthetic character, I use only BIC(R) Cristal(R) Ballpoint Pens.

When you try to get the ink to adhere to a sharpened paper clip, you instantly can tell the difference in workability with a Bic. The fine line work required in realistically rendering a flaming serpent wrapping the bare breasts of a nymph straddling a crucifix would be nearly impossible with any other pen.

Clients can be picky. So when I aim to please I trust on BIC(R) Cristal(R) Ballpoint Pens.

~Ralph A.

Complete with another user's comment!

It appears this review is actually about the quality of the ink in the BIC(R) Pen and not the pen itself. While ink quality is certainly important, I would have liked to hear more about other vital pen characteristics. For instance, how difficult is it to make a "shiv" or sharpened knife-like instrument used in prison fights with the plastic barrel of the pen? Does the "Cristal" pen barrel lend itself to sharpening without breaking? How well does it penetrate flesh once it has been fashioned into a man-killing weapon? Is it difficult to hide this pen in your rectum during the all-too-frequent prison strip searches? Although the description of the bare-breasted nymphomaniac was shall we say, interesting, it would have been nice to see a more comprehensive review of the use of the BIC(R) Pen in our correctional institutions.

~Mark Morris

Now, you might be thinking, "Don, you're at work. Shouldn't you be working instead of reading fake reviews about ballpoint pens?" and yes, you may have a point. But I would like to tell you, my reader, that in the few moments I had experienced reading and writing this blog, time had just jumped ahead one hour, thereby proving Einstein! This must be how Hiro must have felt!* And if proving one of the greatest minds in a scientific institution isn't cause for a pat on the back, then I don't know what is.

By the way, this is only a third of the reviews on the site, so if you would like to read more about how a Bic pen can be mistaken for a thermometer, a weapon, or a PC, please click here.

*For an explanation of this pop reference, please consult your local "Heroes" nut.

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